It's All Good

It really does feel like forever since I've felt this way. I don't know if I can quite put into words how happy I am. It has been almost 2 months since I decided I was no longer going to identify myself as LDS. The first week was the hardest while I was recovering from a vulnerability hang-over. It certainly wasn't easy admitting to my husband, my friends, family and neighbors full of active LDS members that I was no longer going to be attending church. Of course, I didn't go around and announce it to everyone that I came in contact with. I told select people that I knew would be open to listening and would be respectful about it. I was afraid of what the outcome would be for relationships and how people would treat me. I quickly learned which people around me are filled with love, light and acceptance and which ones are quick to judge or who feel uncomfortable with it. It's kind of sad to me that anyone would feel uncomfortable over someone trying to find their own truth.

However, there have been a few instances with people in the ward that have made oblivious comments about not seeing me in church or asking how I felt now that I was released and I know that they don't know. It's usually a quick conversation in passing, not really ideal for dropping the bomb that says, NON-BELIEVER, on them. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with those situations. Do I send them an email about it so that we can have a truthful and honest friendship? These people are still my friends so it does matter to me, but we aren't very close at the present. I have also thought about just letting things be and letting them put the pieces together. In truth, it is still hard to not let myself fear rejection. But I have heard it said, when you put out great light, you will receive it in return and with that light you can learn to deflect the negativity. I know some people are not in a place to understand. All they will see is rebellion. Some will judge, gossip, and even pity me. I definitely don't want anyone's pity. I am not lying when I say, it's all good. It truly and really is ALL GOOD.

At first, I thought that I needed to go out and find another religion to submerge myself into, but I didn't feel a pull in any which direction. I read up on different religions and even contacted some in the area, but it just didn't feel right. I had already been through this as a teenager. However, every time someone brought up meditating, I knew that is what I needed to be doing. I meditated as a teenager before I came back to the church and the feelings I had during meditation have still stuck with me. So I have been meditating everyday for several weeks. It has been amazing! I have not only learned to love myself through meditation, but I have gained clarity and peace about things in my life I wasn't sure I would ever have.

I am talking HUGE things that have weighed heavily on my heart and mind. Through meditation, I have been able to see what God wants me to see. I have been able to let go of pain, anger, frustration,  loneliness and even bitterness. I have been able to see things that I perceived as difficult situations that I thought were signs that I wasn't doing the right thing and change my perspective on them. Like a complete paradigm shift I never ever, ever thought could be possible because of years and years of praying and hoping and yearning for it and still receiving nothing.

No one can ever make me deny these truths I have learned. I believe our souls are in direct communication with our supreme creator and by meditating we can tap into that. It's the most amazing feeling and I know that it is truth. There is nothing in my life, aside from my love for my family, I know to be more true than that. Everything is inside each and everyone of us to heal, grow, change and let light in. I am learning to shine my light brighter and brighter. I have more love and confidence in myself. There are great things in store for my life and the positive impact I will have in this world.

I have wonderful plans for how I am going to do that. In two weeks I am going back to school. I have changed my major to Behavioral Science and after this semester will determine what my emphasis will be (Sociology, Social Work, Family Studies) and then from there will go on to get my Masters in the field I have chosen. I have BIG dreams for what I am going to do with it all. Things I have wanted to do for a long time, but was too afraid or lacked the confidence to believe I could do them. I am very excited about it.

 Even though the weather is less than ideal in Utah, we will be sticking it out here until I finish my bachelors. Possibly longer. I am not in a hurry to get out of here anymore. I have learned to recognize and nurture relationships that are full of love and support. I have come to realize how incredibly blessed I am in the friends department. Friends that email, text, call, stop by for a visit, send me a card, just to let me know they love me. I seriously have the BEST FRIENDS. The people that take the time to ask, to listen, to share. I've come to realize that some people I thought were my best friends, really weren't. And that's ok. Like a wise friend once told me, "if we didn't experience something, good or bad, how would we know when the opposite happened?" The friends I have now are friends I hope to never lose.

 I love where my life is now and where it is headed. :)