It's been about 20 months since I publicly wrote on my blog that I was leaving the LDS church. I didn't even realize that when I set out to write this post, but I was curious so I went back and re-read the post that I wrote explaining why I was walking away from the church. I have such compassion for the woman in me that wrote that. I love her and I am so glad that she did what in her heart she felt was right. Stepping into my authentic self was scary as hell, but I did it regardless of whatever judgement would come my way. Even regardless of what friendships would dissipate as a result. And dissipate they did.
At first, I remember thinking, "that's unfortunate" when certain people no longer called, texted, emailed, wrote, or invited me to be a part of their lives. But just as quickly as one person pulled away, two more people showed up for me; either someone I already knew but wasn't close to or a new person all together. I have made new connections and lasting friendships with so many people these past 20 months, it's unreal to me. I have my theories as to why certain people pulled away. It's possible that some or all of those people don't value my opinions anymore because I have left the church. Maybe they don't think I am qualified to give advice or maybe they are afraid I will bring them down and lead them away from the church as so many church leaders over the years have cautioned against. That I might whisper "lies".
I gotta say, I freaking love those people who just talk to me about anything and everything. They aren't afraid to ask questions regarding my departure and it's not questions like, "were you reading your scriptures? Were you praying? Did you meet with the Bishop?" Those questions are dumb. Don't ever ask anyone who is leaving the church those questions because in my 20 months of "apostasy" experience, most people that leave the church, do so mindfully. And I think it's hard for some to understand that what they felt as truth is not necessarily universal, it's what is best for them at the time. That truth may work for them for the entire course of their life and good for them, but it wasn't working for me for several years and I was dying inside.
I get asked sometimes if I consider myself a Christian. I am not sure I consider myself any one thing and let me explain why. A year and half ago when I was erasing my board of beliefs and rewriting what in my heart/soul/being I could believe in without a shadow of a doubt, i came to a big hurdle with Jesus. There were things in my personal meditations that were tearing down the beliefs I had constructed over my life time. In some ways I felt liberated in other ways I felt confused. Although, I no longer saw Christ the same way, I knew I had tender feelings toward him and that I didn't feel right rejecting him altogether.
Long story short, I basically did a couple of hours of meditating one night, went to bed, woke up did another 45 minutes of meditating and then did some writing in my journal. When I went back and read what I had wrote there were answers to questions I had prayed about for years and years and years. There was peace from these issues that I had longed to feel for what felt like forever and I did it all without "accessing the atonement". After weeks of wrestling and pondering with it, I came to the conclusion that I didn't need Christ because I am a sinner or because I am incapable. I believe there are very few people in this world that reach Enlightenment. They live unashamed with joy and abundance all around them. I believe Christ was one of those people and His example helps me to see my worth and my light. For that reason I will continue to celebrate Christmas.
With that said, I am also looking to other amazing spiritual teachers, both in the past and in the present. Those spiritual teachers don't even have to be widely known. That spiritual teacher could be YOU. I welcome anything that brings me joy, peace, harmony, abundance, etc. And I celebrate every single person that I can learn from (and I do believe we can learn from everybody). I am learning to enjoy life one moment at a time, which is NOT easy for me. Having suffered from worry and anxiety for most of my life, this is perhaps my biggest lesson in life. To relax and enjoy the ride that life has to offer me. To not fear the future or fear missing out on things because of x,y,z. To trust that what I want will unfold exactly when and how it should and for me to recognize what is in my power to do so. To enjoy what I have and not just wish for more. To celebrate my talents and strengths and learn to rely on others for my weaknesses.
I recently read something somewhere (can't remember exactly where) that I thought was a great attitude to live by. Often times, I would freak out over the possibility of being late. How it looked to other people that my family was late or what I or we would be missing out on. The author of this blog post said that she started saying a mantra to help her with these moments. "We have plenty of time." In the past, she would panic and say things like, "hurry! We're going to be late!" and that would set everyone in disarray. And in fact, they usually always were late or barely made it in the nick of time, but not without tears, yelling and anxiety. I started to notice that Janen was exhibiting some anxiety and I knew that it was I who had put those feelings there and it broke my heart.
I decided to adopt this author's mantra. I have only used it for a few days, but I already feel a tremendous difference. One day this week, I woke up late and my girls hadn't woken up on their own either. In the past, I would've been freaking out and rushing them and getting their day started off on the wrong foot. And we either would've been late or barely made it, but at what emotional expense? So, I remembered that mantra. I kept telling myself we had plenty of time. I woke up the girls gently and helped them get dressed and go potty. Fed them breakfast. Brushed teeth and did their hair (and not just brushing!) and Janen was even 10 minutes early to school.
I am a big believer even more now that we create our own reality. The more I used panic stricken words and tone of voice, the more chaotic my life seems to be. I know I still need some work in this area and I am glad I have so many opportunities from those around me to learn. There are a lot of things I feel I have been awoken to since I left the LDS church. Some people have learned these things whilst still being an active member and that's good for them. This is what had to be done for me to let go of so many ways of thinking that was hurting me. Ways of thinking that I constructed while I was a member.
The one downfall to renouncing this particular religion is that it never truly leaves you when you have so many people in your life that still believe. I question people's motives. I want to believe that people are genuine and I think some people are, but I also believe that all, if not most, have a secret agenda and that in turn frustrates me. Some pity me and that angers me. I have felt at times to say to people that if they pity me, I would rather they not be my friend. My salvation is NOT at stake here and I am not sure that I want to be friends with anyone who feels that it is at this point in time.
Well, I think that's enough self-reflection for one day...
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