Something's Amiss

I realized this evening that I'm pretty good at pretending to be happy. Well, I shouldn't say that I'm not happy, but I do get sad from time to time and I've been more sad lately. I have a longing to be close to someone...anyone...and any moment I get to do that I savor it. But then it hit me today as to why I was feeling this way. I'm reminded of a talk I heard at a fireside last year. It was the president or counselor in the West Stake presidency. I don't remember everything he talked about, but I do remember one thing he said that has stayed with me. He told the congregation about a particular time in his youth when he felt that God had abandoned him. He didn't feel like God loved him personally and he didn't feel close to him as he once had. He brought this up to his mother and she simply and sincerely told him that God never abandons us, but loves us unconditionally and wants us to be happy. If there was a reason he felt distant from God it was because he (not God) had moved. So next time you feel that way...ask yourself who moved? The answer will always be the same.

Now I'm not saying that I feel like God has abandoned me...I don't feel that way at all, but I do feel a little distant from him and I know that's no ones fault, but my own. It was because I was sooo busy. I haven't been to church in two weeks because of my dance concert and let me tell you; two weeks is definitely too long for me. I feel the loss and I've missed it very much. I tried hard to keep my studies and heartfelt personal prayers up, but found myself nodding off to sleep from exhaustion. I realized that all this week I have been doing the same and the concert has been over since last Sunday. I am ashamed of myself, but I'm so very grateful for the Lord's tender mercies and the help He sends my way in helping me remember that talk and what I need to do to draw closer to Him. As much as I love to dance....it does not bring me the sweet peace the gospel does. Nothing does. I feel like I stretched myself too thin and put aside (momentarily) what truly matters to me. I should've made more of an effort to be at church and I should not have committed myself to dance as much as I did. 5 pieces to dance in was A lot of work! I am never doing that again. I don't know if I ever will dance like that again to tell you the truth...and that brings sadness to my soul, but you never know...I dance because to me it resembles honesty of emotions and feelings in a very physical way, but it's not my favorite thing to do.

This is why I feel like music is my calling. With music *sigh* I am able to feel the closest to the spirit. I write music that speaks of truth, love, hope, faith and all of those wonderful things. I want to be able to grow in my talents and share it with others and help others find their voice. I know that music is my calling in life. It is the best way I know how to communicate with the Lord and to testify of His divinity. I have felt an amazing amount of peace in regards to moving to Utah and completing my education. I know this whole transition isn't going to be smooth sailing and that it's going to take some planning, sacrifice and hard work, but I'm willing to do that because I know that this is the right thing for me to do. I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way to make this move in my life possible. I don't know if it will happen in the time table I would like it to and that's ok because the Lord's time-table is way better then we could ever imagine it to be, but I'll get there eventually. My hope is to be able to move in about 6 weeks. So let's party every weekend until I leave!! :-p

I'll miss everyone here in Fresno. Truly, I will. I've been debating about doing this or going on a mission for almost a year now, but I was too afraid to leave my comfort zone of people I love and adore. I wasn't ready yet to stand on my own two feet completely even though it may seem like I do now. I can't thank you all enough for your love and continuous support. Thank you all for showing me what it really means to be a family. You've touched my life in the most impressionable ways. Thank you.