My life

I've been a little down lately and I've been racking my brain the past couple of weeks to try and figure out what exactly it is that has me down. So explore with me as I share some personal feelings. I hope that I never make any one uncomfortable with my blog, but you read at your own expense...

Before James and I got married I was terrified that getting married would mean I would loose my identity. I talked to him about this and he was always encouraging and told me that he would help me find a way to do the things I loved. At the time I didn't realize just how extensive that list was until I got married and suddenly found myself neglecting those things that I hold dear because I had another person around. I didn't notice just how big of an issue it would create in my marriage, but I do understand that marriage is a growing process. A huge one! Maybe not for some people, but for me it is and not because I have a crappy husband. I don't! I have a wonderful, kind, self-less and loving husband who puts up with so much of my soul searching moods.

Let me make a list for you of the things that I feel are a big part of who I am and who I've always been. I hope to paint you a picture as clear as I can. So here goes!

~ Music. I love music! It speaks to me in such a way that nothing else ever has. Music soothes me, calms me and I like to get lost in it. And when I say lost; I like to sit in my car, my room, the bathtub, without a soul around. Just lost and enveloped in the emotion and passion of the music I am listening to. I like to do this alone. No interruptions. Just me and the music. I like to do this a lot and was able to before I got married because I had a room that was all my own. Getting married has taken a lot of that away from me. What was once a constant thing can only occur every once in a great while because I have another half that I share a room with. That I share a life with.
~ Dancing. April 2008 was my last show at City Dances. I must admit, I was not ready to say goodbye to a program that I had grown to love so much. I was hopeful that I would be able to find something here close by for a reasonable price, but no. And I didn't want to just go to a studio and take a class every now and then, I want to perform. It has been hard for me to face the reality that I will probably never be able to dance like that again. Sure sure I can still take classes in the future, but it's not the same. Those of you who love the performing aspect of dance know exactly what I'm talking about.
~ Writing. I used to write so much. Journal entries. Song lyrics. Poetry. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't dig a little deep and get personal by waxing poetic. This is a huge part of who I am, but my creativity has been hindered for several months now. Why you ask? Because this is another thing I like to do alone and when someone is constantly around me, even if we are busy doing our own thing, I feel frozen. I couldn't understand why, but after much deliberation these past few days. I think I've figured it out...

Here's a little brief background on my life. I was raised by a single, hearing-impaired mother who practically ignored me every day of my life. This left me to spend a lot of time by myself inside or using the outside world as my playground. I was an extremely imaginative child because it was a positive outlook for me. As I got older and into my brooding teenage years, I used music, dance, writing (all forms of creativity) to cope with life. It was those things that brought me back down to earth and helped me to deal with a lot of heartache and pain on my own. When I became an adult, those outlets were still very much used as I experienced break-ups and goodbyes, insecurities and let downs. It has been my therapy and my dear friend for many years and I've always been able to go home at the end of the day and count on them to be there to help me through anything.

So with that being said, I hope that I am making sense when I say that I guess I'm just too independent for my own good. I always loved my Independence and loved to be alone from time to time. Being married has been an adjustment because I can't necessarily be alone as much as I want to be. I can't go home at the end of the night and be alone with my own thoughts. I'm used to dealing with my problems on my own, every now and then, seeking out the advice or even just the companionship of a good friend. This is hard for James to understand sometimes because he and I work differently, but up until a few days ago, I didn't quite know how to explain to him where I'm coming from. Finally, I felt like I understood what was going on with me because something wasn't right and I wasn't as happy with him as I wanted to be. We talked about it and ever since then he's been very understanding. If he comes into a room and sees that I may be writing he'll ask me if I want to be alone or if it's ok to come in. We discussed that instead of me getting frustrated or annoyed that I can't be alone to just let him know that I need to be alone for the next hour to do some "personal me stuff" and he'll get the hint and not bother me until I say it's ok. Some of you may be thinking, "well, why didn't you just tell him this from the get go?" I'll tell you why. I had never had anything in my life hinder me from doing the things that I love. I've never been married before so I didn't realize this would be an issue. I felt guilty at first for wanting to be alone because I hear of other newlywed couples who love to spend every waking minute with each other. I was afraid that I was a bad wife because I didn't feel the same need to be around James 24/7. I like my privacy, and I love my alone time. I didn't understand just how important it is for me personally, to take some time to myself until it started affecting our relationship.

It's only been a few days since we've talked about this, but I already feel a little better about everything. However, I still miss certain things about my single life, but only because I can't have them being here in Utah. I wish I could move back to Clovis and take James with me, but that's just not possible. I'm also tired of feeling sick all of the time from this pregnancy. I'm tired of vomiting, I'm tired of dry-heaving, of gagging at the most random times. I'm tired of feeling bloated and tired all of the time too and most of all, I'm tired of women rubbing it in my face that they had an easy pregnancy and never got sick like that. I want so much to enjoy being pregnant because it's an amazing thing that's happening, but at the moment it's extremely hard. I hope that the second trimester is a breeze and that I don't get sick. I really want to enjoy this and feel guilty that I don't.

Anyway...that was a lot to unload. Sorry about that! But I just wanted to say for the record that I do love my husband very much and can't wait to be more united with him as we grow and learn together.