Since my last post James and I have been doing much better in the areas I spoke about. I am really grateful for marriage and relationships because they really do teach us so much that you can't learn from just mere observation. You have to get in there and experience it. There are so many things that have crossed my mind about marriage, but some of the biggest things are this.
When I found myself comparing our relationship with others, it would discourage me. I mentioned in my last post that I genuinely felt I was being a bad wife because I didn't want to be around my husband 24/7, but I've realized that I don't have to be like so and so couple down the street. I am an independent girl from time to time and I like it that way. But I do love time spent with my husband as well. It's all about finding the balance.
I've also found that pregnancy does funny things to your emotions. Of course us women all get a glance of that when our time of the month arrives, but with pregnancy, it sticks around for a lot longer. I cry at the silliest things and feel like a dummy for allowing tears to spill over a commercial! My sappy ways are magnified times 10. But I'm not complaining, I just find it funny. And lets face it, men just don't get that about women the way women get it about women. A woman can happen upon you crying, ask what's wrong, you can tell her you're either pregnant or on that time of the month and she'll embrace you. She doesn't even have to say a word, she knows exactly how you're feeling. Goodness, I love women. I don't spend enough time these days in the company of women and I desperately need it. I still miss home and will probably continue to miss home for a very long time. I know I should settle here in my heart and mind, but find it very difficult when my surroundings aren't as amiable as I would like them to be. I like the variety that California offers. I love the people there and I love the church there! Not to demean on people or the church here, but they are a different sort of people and I guess most days, I just don't feel like I fit among the majority of them. I know I know, I should try and do something about that and make myself fit in. I'm sure no one else suspects my lack of fitting in, but I feel it. Perhaps, things will change when I have a baby and I will start to have play groups with other sisters in the ward and their children.
I asked James if, when we settled down somewhere more permanent, we could live on either the West Coast (California or Oregon) or the East Coast (North or South Carolina) and he was quite content with the idea. I just love being near a great big body of water. All you see here are creeks and ugly lakes. I need an ocean breeze and to hear the wonderful soft roar of the ocean. I want to go to California and have a long visit while James is in school and see all the people I love and the places I love in California. He's actually the one that suggested it. He seems to think a good dose of home will be good for me, but now that the baby is coming...well, it probably won't be happening as soon as I would like. Don't really have time or the extra money for a joy trip. Babies are expensive and I want my baby to have everything she needs and not be in want of anything that is important for her growth in all areas.
I talk too much....
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