Unfinished Blog Post (2)

I forgot that I had started this blog post a couple of years ago in April, 2012. Here is unfinished. Published on February 12, 2014


Occasionally I get in a rut where I feel desperate for a break from my every day menial tasks and responsibilities. But it's usually one or two bad days followed by a string of good days. However, lately it's been non-stop everyday for the past few weeks. Only rising and rising in desperation with each passing hour (sometimes minutes). It would be nice if I had something to look forward to. Like a weekend getaway with James (that we so DESPERATELY need). I would even take a weekend getaway to myself.

I find my fuse is shorter and shorter and my temper rising. I don't like this. Not one bit. When I snap at my child, I start to cry, because I feel like such a horrible mother for not being able to keep my cool. It's like this monster in me that just rises up and takes over and I don't know how to stop it.

I have to tried to think of every possible scenario to try and get the break I need. Not a, "hey go grab some lunch with your girlfriends break". I'm talking a get out of town and have someone I trust who is willing to watch my child for a few days. I just want to have a chance to re-energize and recoup. Especially before baby #2 comes. And I think that is in part why I am having so much anxiety about this. Once baby #2 comes, it is even less likely that I will get the break I need for several months at the least and I'm seriously depressed just thinking about it.

 But being able to get away involves money. Money that we do not have. Now there are some people that say, "we have no money, or rather my spouse won't let me touch our savings" well folks, we don't even have a savings. Every time we start to build one up, something comes up and wipes us clean. I'm so sick of this happening! And then I see others complain about having no money and being in debt, but yet I see them with new gadgets...iphones, tablets, nooks, new running shoes that cost $200 bucks and frequent vacations to Las Vegas or California and I just wanna smack them! There are two things that James and I have ever splurged on. A TV (which I have no problem selling in a heartbeat) and new couches because our futon was giving me back problems. That is it folks. Our laptops and phones are falling apart. And we buy the cheap clothes that fall apart after a couple of washes. And I'm ok with that. I honestly don't care about gadgets that much.

James gets to go on a few trips for work. Days at a time he doesn't have to take care of Janen, clean up anything, or deal with a needy wife. Sure you're thinking, "but he's there for work". Well, James is a nerd. This is enjoyable for him to sit through seminars and learn new techniques and innovations. This is very much a vacation for him.

Being a stay at home mom is hard work. It's really hard for me to be ok with this routine day in and day out. Yes, there are many enjoyable moments. But there are also trying moments as well. I was diagnosed with anxiety and borderline depression about a year ago. Since I found out I might be pregnant, I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medicine. It's really dangerous to take them in the first trimester and when it was safe enough to take them, I couldn't. I don't feel comfortable taking something that could possibly harm my child. And if I do, I have to stop taking them the last month of pregnancy so that my babies emotions aren't stunted. Meaning she wouldn't be able to cry to let me know she was hungry or tired. But yet I would have to deal with being abruptly taken off the medication for that month which in turn can make me even "crazier" than i was before. No thanks. So the other option I thought of is going to therapy every week. You know another thing to drain our bank account or build up debt. But we've finally gotten to the point where we've both decided this needs to happen. However, that means that once a week, I have to find a babysitter for Janen and I