This post was written back in February 2015, but I never got around to finishing it. Here it is unfinished:
Four months is a long time to not post anything, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it was all that long ago. I have learned, grown, and expanded my awareness a lot in those four short months, but I know this is just the start! One of the biggest affirmations that has occurred to me this year is that every time I exercise vulnerability, it is mirrored back to me in the most beautiful way. I have opened up in more public forums about some pieces of my journey on facebook. I realize that this makes some people extremely uncomfortable, but I don't care. I am learning to filter through and release the shame that is projected at me.
The three times I have posted something about stepping away from the LDS church, I have had dozens of people reach out to me. Some of those people are practicing LDS members and they were offering their love and support in the best way possible. Some have left the church at some point and we exchanged personal stories and offered support. Some LDS members wanted to better understand people like me and expressed appreciation for sharing some of my story so they could do that. But the biggest thing that surprised me was the amount of people that reached out to me (some I haven't seen for a few years) who have had doubts and concerns about the church and who needed someone "safe" to talk it out with. Somehow my willingness to "be courageous", as some of these individuals put it helped others to want to figure out their truth.
It is not my wish for anyone to do something contrary to what they want or what they need. I would never tell anyone to leave the church or to stay in it. However, I do suggest they re-write their board of beliefs and take time to really pay attention to what speaks truth to them. They may find the majority of the church's doctrine feels right to them and they stay in the church. For others, many things have unsettled them for too long and no matter how many times they go around it, they just can't back some core doctrine.
I know for me personally, there was so much of the church's culture that got in the way of me having a truly wonderful experience in the church. Sure, there were moments it was really good, but there was always judgement and shame in some way shape or form and when I got married and became a wife, it multiplied exponentially. You know those, "I should" comments you say to yourself.
"I should do..."
"I should want..."
"I should be more...."
And the "I can't" comments are even more debilitating
"I can't do that"
"I can't have that"
I unfortunately allowed those in authority over me as a child/youth and even young adult age, shape what kind of person "I should be" according to their interpretations of the gospel. That any desires contrary to the church's prescribed role of a woman were not Godly and that I should embrace this role and do it with gratitude. That I should "forget myself and go to work". That last line in itself just screams to me that my inner desires are bad if they are not in harmony with the roles I am expected to fulfill in the church. I'm calling bullshit.
Trying to fulfill the roles that were projected at me from others ideals left me in such disharmony with myself and with the universe/God. Somehow, in my relationship with my mom and authority figures telling me what kind of person I should be. I got it in my head that it was wrong to want for anything else. That I couldn't do it and it has been crushing me for years.
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