There was a point in my life I used to write and reflect on my thoughts every day or practically every day. There is beauty in connecting to oneself daily. I believe it keeps us grounded. It puts things into perspective and allows us to convey (even if in writing) our inner most thoughts. Our triumphs and losses. It gives notice to how we view and construct the world around us, whether it be negative or positive. I know for myself personally, when I find myself in a negative cycle, I don't realize how long it's been going on for unless I bring attention to it and writing used to help do that for me. If I was frustrated, I would write and by writing about those frustrations, I could take pause and recognize when I was focusing on the negative. What we focus on, we tether ourselves to.
When I stopped writing daily, I didn't realize the kind of disservice I was doing to myself. At first I felt guilty for not keeping on my writing because of what I had been told as a member of the LDS church about writing it for future prosperity. The LDS church is largely connected to genealogy work and as someone who wanted to do everything right by the church, I let that be my compass. It didn't affect me much before I had kids, but once my girls were in the picture I wrote in hopes of painting a certain picture of myself. I've come to realize that journal writing shouldn't be about doing it for one's prosperity; it should be about doing it for oneself. By writing for my prosperity, I censored myself. I hid my feelings and struggles. And if there is one thing I have learned in the past year and a half, it's that vulnerability is a key factor to happiness and a deeper bond in relationships.
(The things I write are not meant to shame or criticize and I certainly don't write them so people can feel sorry for me or try to "fix" me. It is me in my bold, authentic and vulnerable self.)
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The reality that we are "creatures of habit" is a painful one. It is hard work and sometimes painful to let go of doing something or thinking a certain way when it's what you've done for almost your entire life. My early construct of the world, of how relationships work, or what to expect of others because of my experiences has had a negative impact on my life.
I have slowly been uncovering the reason behind my inability to connect on a deep, intimate level for long periods of time. When I say long periods of time I mean that I can be a really good friend to someone for a brief time like 6 months-2 years, but if life happens; they are busy, I'm busy, or one or both of us moves away. Or one is struggling and pulling away and after a few attempts they don't reciprocate friendship back to me, etc. I just let them go. I let people go too easily. And if it just so happens that a person is in my life and has been for more than that 2 year period, I don't know what to do. I find reasons to pull away or push them away. I wait for the day that they will leave because that is the way my world has been constructed.
At some point between birth and the age of 5. My Father pulled away. His visits were infrequent (my parents were off and on and never married) so there was a lack of consistency in that department. And well eventually his interaction became non existent. He fought to have custody of my brother, but not me. Even as a kid I remember feeling rejected as a result of that. Then there was my Mom's friend of whom I was really close with. I called her my Aunt. She moved a little under 2 hours away when I was 5 years old. Apparently, I was devastated. I cried for her everyday. I don't remember that at all. I don't remember her leaving. But I must not remember it because it traumatized me so much. I know that I must have felt abandoned. My Mom made the decision to move closer to her and all was well. This Aunt was consistently in my life for several years and then when I was about 13, she moved away again. About an hour away. An hour doesn't seem like much, but it totally is. And we were poor and had unreliable transportation. The Aunt and I drifted apart. I later found out she moved away because of my Mom and I don't blame her because I would've and have done the same thing. And last but not least, my Mom has always been horrible about staying in touch and I suspect a lot of that has to do with her own childhood issues. Even living with her she was "miles away" and there was and always will be disconnection there. I have a couple more stories about people leaving when things got too hard but I will leave it at that.
With that said, the construct I have of this world is that nobody sticks around. At some point, everybody leaves, especially when things get too hard. Now although I know that blanket statement is not true, that's the harsh "reality" I live by whether I mean to or not. And with that belief there is a sort of push or pull dance I do with people I am really close to. As soon as they pull away, I push them out the door the rest of the way because better they leave on my call, not theirs. That way I feel a sense of control. As a child you have zero control over who stays and who goes. I would venture to say as an adult you don't either, but you feel even more helpless as a child.
I don't fight for friendships very well I can think of a few occasions in my life when I felt a best friend pull away for one reason or another and I let them go. I am beyond envious of people that have been able to maintain a close friendship with someone for 5 years or longer. It would be so nice to be close to someone that knew me as a child, has seen me grow up and step into myself, make mistakes and learn from them and is still close to me today. I literally have NO idea what that's like. I don't just mean friendships outside of the family, but within the family as well. I have no idea what it's like to be able to call up a parent or sibling every day and dive right in. To be able to count on their friendship and support. To have that friendship as a sounding board. That concept is foreign to me and I can't do anything to change that.
But I CAN make sure that my kids aren't foreign to it. I CAN make sure I am their friend for the rest of their life and I CAN encourage a healthy development of friendship between other family members. It's been a little over 7 years since I started dating James. He is is my longest standing best friend and that construct I have of people leaving has had a negative affect on me and I have days where I wonder just what it will be that will cause James to leave. He has given me no indication that he will and I am sure he never will, but that doesn't mean I don't wonder and worry about it. Certainly not every waking moment, but it's there in the back of my head. But I'm working through it. It took me some time to get here with all of this and I see this self-discovery as progress in the right direction.
I think that's enough self-reflection for one day. :)
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