Where do I begin? Since I have been married I avoid going through all of my thoughts like I used to. I don't write as personally as I once did, but merely give updates on our lives. I feel as though I've been bottling in a lot of things because I should be happy all the time now that I have a great husband and cute little daughter. Most of the time I don't feel like I have time to think because there is a little one that is in constant need of my attention. (Like right now...ok I'm back, though you've hardly had time to miss me). It is a slow process getting anything done because Janen is a social baby. She loves to have attention and she gets tired of the same toys after awhile. And sometimes refuses to be put down unless she is put down on the grass outside under a tree. She loves nature! It has been hard for me, sacrificing so much of myself and my hobbies/passions, for my little one. However, I don't feel comfortable having a stranger watch my baby while I go out gallivanting. So I just feel stuck. I am unhappy because I am a stay at home mom/house wife but also unhappy with the thought of abandoning my post (even if just part time) daily. I'm sure some of you other moms out there understand how I'm feeling.
I want my house to be spic and span, but find that I fall short of the time or energy to make it happen. I can do parts of little chores here and there while Janen is awake and content for a few minutes. Her naps are waaay shorter then I want them to be (I'm talking 20 maybe 30 minutes max if I'm lucky) that is hardly time to do anything. Some days, I'm lucky if I get a shower in before 2 PM.
I am also a worry wart. I can't help it; it's in my nature! James and I went to california recently, but right before we discovered that we have a lot less money then we were anticipating. I told him it wasn't smart to go to California because we needed that money, but he insisted that we needed it and we would find a way to get what we need, even if we had to take out more in student loans then we wanted to. Now our lack of money didn't come from us spending foolishly, but rather because government aid that we were counting on failed to come through when we needed it and we have had to jump through more hoops then I would like to remember to get back to where we need to be with that. I promised him that I wouldn't think about our lack of money while we were there and I really didn't for the most part. It was a nice break for me because I didn't have to take care of Janen by myself everyday or worry about a whole house to clean or dinner to cook. But the morning after we got back, it hit me, and I started to worry.
Now a part of me KNOWS that everything will be fine, really I do! But I hate that we have to borrow money again, when i calculated it out for us to have all that we needed with a couple of hundred dollars left over for emergencies. C'est La vie!
Back to my rant about not being happy being a stay at home mom/house wife: I never dreamed that I would feel this frustrated and depressed about it. I dreamed of being a mom and of running a house hold, but I don't know if I was really quite ready for it. I thought the joy and love from having a child would consume me and help me to forget about the financial burdens associated with it. Nope, it sure didn't. I keep wishing that James was done with school and that he had a great job and we didn't have to pinch pennies and jump through hoops just to get food stamps to feed our family. But then I kick myself in the pants (figuratively) because that is not the proper attitude. I'll be honest, I don't know how to live for today. I have always struggled with that. I've heard it said that someday I will look back on these days with fond memories. At this point, I doubt it.
Before I go off on some more personal rants, let me just head off this next one by saying, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her existence in my life for anything. But now I understand why people wait for a year or two to start having kids. I wanted little Janen to come soon, but not THIS soon! I feel as though I was robbed of precious bonding with my husband because a month after we were married our thoughts were mostly consumed with this baby and how we were going to have the finances to take care of her. I often wonder why God felt it necessary to deliver this challenge to us so soon in our young marriage. I know there is something that must be learned, but for the moment I am having a hard time seeing the big picture.
And after all the thoughts and feelings that one could express, I have a tremendous amount of guilt for not being happy about my situation in life. There are many people that dream of the life I have and yet here I am unhappy with it.
I suppose I should also mention that a bigger part of my unhappiness comes from my past and my family. My family is your classic dysfunctional family. Full of people that take and take but hardly ever give in return. Full of people who are immature, lack common sense and many who are bums. A family that really never gets together, doesn't celebrate holidays and doesn't acknowledge ones birth at all or weeks later. I am tired of worrying about their well being. I am tired of not feeling like my happiness doesn't matter to them. I am tired of being without the support that everyone deserves in life. I'm tired of answering questions about them and I'm tired of the uncomfortable awkwardness that comes after I answer someone's question when they ask if my parents were there for me when I got married or when I had this child. It would be so much easier for me to just turn my back on them and never look back, but I can't and so the hurt continues and probably will for the rest of my life.
This post is not for anyone to feel sorry for me or to feel like they need to console me. I am human and feel the need to express thoughts that I have been bottling in for a while now. Besides, only a few of you can see this, not the whole world.
Someday I will figure this whole thing out and be supermom. I am not going to give up my dream of loving to be a stay at home mom/house wife. Notice how I said, "stay-at-home mom" not just mom. I love being a mom. I just don't love staying home all the time. Just wanted to clarify.
Ok. Jessa out!
4 comments:
I'm reading through your blog and keep finding myself saying, "me, too!" And relating to you! I had lots of "alone time" growing up. I always journaled, and turned to art and music and performing as a way to express myself, get recognized, and feel whole. Marriage was an adjustment but I mostly got what I'd always craved, love and acceptance. I was such a shy, introverted type and still am sometimes...it's just refreshing to read some of the very thoughts that I've had.
I wanted to add that I've also suffered from anxiety. I found that being authentic, feeling my emotions as soon as they came(sad, frustrated, angry) instead of suppressing them helped a ton. Exercise, art, writing, and then having Tyson as a sounding board to kind of talk through my worries out loud...all helped a ton. Meditation helped tons! I never tried drugs for it. I was too scared.
...positive self talk saves me from my crazy negative rambling in my head, too. There are 2 books I love by Eckhart Tolle
...'A New Earth' and 'The Power of Now' I also love Derpak Chopra. I noticed your recent post about meditation had a link to Chopra guided meditation. I love that! Anyway, I'm rambling. Honest, authentic, people are refreshing. Thank you!
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