Change can be so hard, but I'm doing it.

I have a lot on my mind, I don't know quite where to begin.

You know what sounds like an ideal vacation to me? Going away to some spiritual yoga retreat in the mountains for a week by myself. It's so hard to really work through thoughts and feelings being a wife, a mom, a friend, an office manager, a second counselor, a visiting teacher, a neighbor, a chauffeur, a house keeper, a nurse, and being sick for 5 plus weeks on top of that. I  know it shouldn't feel this way, but life is just asking a little bit too much of me at the present. To retreat and be alone with my thoughts in an environment that promotes soul searching would be heaven sent right now. But do you know how much those retreats cost? About as much as my plane ticket to Poland is going to cost me. And it ain't cheap!

I miss the days when I could hole up in my room for hours and just be alone with my thoughts.






How true that is!

Ok, moving on from that....

I literally have no idea where to begin with the thoughts that have been on my mind lately. So I am just going to spew/type them out as they come.

Utah. Come this June, I will have lived here for 6 years. And guess what folks? I STILL HATE IT HERE. I have tried so hard to like it here. It's not sticking. I don't need a lecture on what I can do to like it here. Believe me people, I have tried it all. I kept asking myself what it could be. There has got to be some reason why being here just isn't working out for me. About 6 weeks or so ago, there was a couple in our ward who spoke in Sacrament meeting about how to be a good neighbor and the importance of making friendships with those in your neighborhood. The wife admittedly said that she and her husband have lots of family in the area. Their needs are fulfilled as far as friendships go. Going out and making more friends, felt more like a burden or a task to them rather than a necessity.

Bam, people! She hit the nail on the head! This is it. This is why I feel so isolated and alone living here. I AM NOT NEEDED. I can tell you that every single person that lives on my street, was either born and raised in Utah or their family moved here at one point. Even though they both went on in their talk about the things they/we could do to reach out to others and be aware of each other, it still came off sounding like a challenge. It's sad to me that people have to be challenged to befriend others. It makes it sounds like a chore.

I stupidly thought when we bought our house that I would finally be able to make life long friends. Wow, that was a completely naive mindset. I may need the friendships, but my neighbors sure don't. Their buckets are filled and I am the water from the tap trying to plop (force) my way in, only to clumsily topple out the sides.

When we were in Provo, there was a year where I started to think I could feel at home here, but I knew it would only be fleeting as new friends moved away and started their lives elsewhere. I desperately wanted to be one of those of people that moved away when the college diploma was in my spouse's hand. Unfortunately, life has worked out a little differently, and that's ok, but I really want/need to know how to make the best of the environment that I am in. I need to learn how to be ok with not being needed in the way I have been searching to be needed. I obviously get that there are times my service can be rendered, and I am willing and ready to provide that service, but it's just not the same.

This need I have, is a huge reason I am going to therapy. I see and hear about all of these people who have amazing relationships with family members (I'm not saying all of them, but at least one) and it makes me incredibly sad. I have that with no one in my family. Not one single person. And I don't know how to be ok with that. It hurts. It hurts so much more than I let on. Out of all of the things I have ever experienced or gone through in my life, this hurts me the most. I don't know how to get over that. How does one get over that? I have yet to meet one person (that I can recall) in my lifetime, who is in a similar boat as mine. Therefore, I think it can be incredibly hard for many people that know me, to understand the depth of loneliness I feel on a daily basis. I am not saying that there aren't other people out there who haven't experience the same thing, but of all the people I have met, especially in the church, it seems to be very rare.

When I think about it, I am extremely grateful for two women in particular, who are not family, but for a period of time, treated me like I was. These women were in my life at pivotal developments in my life. I honestly and truly believe, I would not be who I am without their love and support. Had "Aunt Debbie" not been around in the first 11 years of my life, I guarantee you, I would have all sorts of personality and attachment disorders. She is a God send. And I love her. Unfortunately, my mom's burdensome friendship became to much for her, to the point that she had to move to another town an hour away, and distance herself from us.

Looking back now, it was less than a year after she moved, that a rebellious side of me came out. There was no one to talk to about things or to pose questions to about life. There was no one to reel me in as I began to take more steps out into dangerous territory. No one to help me as I transitioned from a girl to a woman. I remember feeling very alone and confused at this time in my life. I started to make poor decisions and looked for acceptance in the wrong places. I continued to veer farther and farther off track and was lost for a time; until another woman came along at the right time, when my own soul searching and resolve to be good, brought me back into God's presence. She was there, ready and willing to listen, talk and encourage me. She was there to make sure I had a ride to young women's, to church, to seminary, and even to school. She invited me over for family dinners, even during the holidays. She too, was a God send and I love her. Had it not been for her careful and attentive watch on me during the fragile stages of my testimony, I don't know where I would be.

I am not really sure where I am going with all of this, but I still see that I am basing who I am, by basing my life on who was and wasn't there for me. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for these women and their place in my life is truly evidence of God's love for me, but I am still defining myself through my past experiences and relationships. My therapist brought it to my attention that I need to give myself more credit for getting through some very challenging experiences and being strong through it all. But she also said that I can choose to let what has occurred in my past to influence me or to decide for myself who and what kind of person I truly want to be. In more words or less, I define my character.

 Easier said than done. I would love it if there was some kind of switch I could flip in my brain that took me off  "acted upon mode" to "to act" mode. Oh, how I wish and hope and pray every day to not feel so bogged down by the experiences and lack of close relationships (or any kind of relationship) in my life. To not feel like I am not needed, important, or interesting enough for someone to want to be-friends with. To not feel like my personality and need for emotional connections, overwhelmed people and scared them away. Because of these feelings, I have pulled back from a lot of relationships. I am afraid of not only being too much, but wanting too much in return and feeling disappointed and let down that I am not needed in that same way. It feels almost easier to distance myself and become superficial (talking about things that are light-hearted or trivial), then to continue to seek this type of relationship.

In the almost 5 years of marriage, I have tried to force this relationship on James. He is not as open with his feelings as me. This neediness of mine and his, I guess, lack of need, has probably been the biggest issue for me in our marriage. You see, I believe that most women, long for some kind of emotional connection from their spouse, but I long for it on a much, much, much deeper level and so just "getting over it" or "putting it aside" for the sake of physical intimacy is nauseating to me. Literally, it is physically nauseating.

I have so much work to do to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels almost impossible, but I have to believe that it is possible. I have to believe that I can overcome these feelings. I want to overcome these feelings. I want to see/view/feel myself as a person separate of these past experiences. I want to take all of the good things that life has taught me and leave behind the bad. I want/need to be secure in myself, my abilities, my talents, and even my love and the knowledge that I am a Daughter of God. I want that to be, not just enough, but more than enough. I want to feel satisfied and happy with being me. I want to feel whole. Because let's face it, I've been waiting for at least one lasting and deep connecting relationship to come and fulfill that need and it hasn't happened yet. Time to stop looking outward, but to look inward and upward. It's time to decide now, who I am and who I want to be and to be it. It's agency at it's very finest.

This is a life defining moment.