Every day, I go through the same conversation in my head. It goes something like this:
Me: I sure would love to take a dance/yoga/pilates class right now.
Other Me: You can't do that, you have kids to take care of.
Me: Yeah, but it would be good for me. Get out of the house and get some exercise.
Other Me: Who is going to watch your kids? And that stuff costs money, I thought you guys were trying to pay off your debt as soon as possible. And aren't you going to Poland? You need to save for that. You don't have any extra money. You're being selfish.
Me: That's not fair. I deserve to have a break.
Other Me: Isn't that why you decided to work? You're being selfish.
Me: Yes, that is part of the reason, but I only go in once or twice a week and I need something physical and creative to do aside from that.
Other Me: What about your husband? What does HE get to do? You're being selfish.
Me: ....
Me: I guess you're right.....
It's not always the same subject, but it's always the same type of conversation. It's the battle between being selfish and self-less. This might sound harsh, but sometimes, being an LDS woman, really irks me. So many expectations surround me of what kind of person I should be or better yet, what kind of Mom I should be. I get reprimanded for choosing to go to work or even for choosing to enroll Janen in Pre-school. Part of this journey is for me to be ok with myself and the choices I make. To not bow down and to apologize to someone because the way I have chosen to do things is different than what they would or would've done. I need to STOP caring about what other people think about me. All that really matters is that we love, respect and support one another for our different choices. Is it SO wrong for me to work 10-20 hours a week? Is it SO wrong for me to be involved in things outside of my family? Is it SO wrong for me to choose myself first from time to time? No. It isn't.
I have decided that James and I are going to go through our schedules and finances and pick 1-2 things that we have been wanting to do. We will not only schedule the time to do it and not give each other a hard time for using that time for something personal, but we will budget for it and be happy with our decision to take just a little longer to pay off all of our loans. I know James has this same conversation with himself and what a great gift to give to him on Valentine's Day right?
Hopefully, my next post will be about what exactly we have decided to do!
2 comments:
I'm so glad you're blogging again! It really can be therapeutic.
And here's what I have to say about being a mom. Who cares what people think. You know? I know that's easier said than done. But you know what? If you're not happy/healthy/balanced/etc then your family will suffer. It's not selfish to want to do things for yourself. It's good for you. And if people want to judge you for putting your girls in preschool or you going to work, that is their problem. There is no one perfect solution. I've learned that first hand going through the things I've gone through. I'm gone at school all day while my mom watches my boys. It's hard for me, but it's not the wrong choice. I'm working towards being a better mom that can take care of her family. And only you will know what you need to do for you and your family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Anyway, that was long. Sorry. Just my thoughts. :)
And we live close now, so we should get together sometime!
Jessica my heart aches for you. I have had the same type of conversations with myself although I don't think I could have voiced it as well as you. Nothing is wrong with you putting your child in preschool or taking time to work and feel some independence or taking classes to improve yourself or get away and have a break. Without family or close friends around me, when Art would come home from work and I could get away by myself, I would go shopping because I didn't know where else to go. I would try not to spend money because there wasn't much extra available if any. Now I spend time on my iPad. I miss being around my kids and grand kids. I am glad to have Rachel and her kids around. What other people think doesn't matter. What matters is what is best for you, your family. Letting the spirit guide you to what is best for you.
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