Therapy is so...Therapeutic!

You want to know why I think therapy is so great? You get an hour of meaningful conversation and come away not only understanding yourself a little better, but with a plan of action and a resolve to be/do just a little bit better. I am pretty sure I got lucky and picked a good therapist from the get-go, but I really like who I see. She is real, personable, shares just enough of herself to allow me to connect to her and she's not afraid to tell me the truth. I definitely need that in a therapist.

Had a great session last night. I wish I could remember every single thing that was said and in what order, but I don't. The conversations I've had with her, spark other conversations with me in my head. She challenged me last time to write all the good things about myself, but forgot to tell me to include 5 specific areas last time. She mentioned physical as being one of them and I realized I didn't put one positive, physical aspect about myself. Not one. It doesn't surprise me. I haven't been too pleased with myself physically, lately. I know that I need to learn to love my body in whatever condition I may find it in. Easier said than done, right? For many years since I went through puberty, I was told that I was beautiful and had a great body. I valued myself a lot more than I realized on my physical appearance. And now that I am 18 lbs heavier (yes, I know, not that much, but it still makes a difference) and the shape of my body has changed, I don't like what I am seeing. I used to walk in a room with confidence knowing that I would turn heads. Of course this was my pre-married days, but how did getting married and having a child all of a sudden make me ashamed of my body. I hate that.

I obviously get that we see what we focus on, but how do you NOT focus on your expanded waistline or your hunched shoulders? Then by focusing on those in a negative way you start to see the rest of you that way. I remember for a time in my youth, hating my nose, and then someone pointed out that I kind of had big ears and I stopped hating my nose and started hating my ears. Then came the time that everyone was getting braces and then getting them off and I started to become self conscious about my teeth/smile. I do remember a time for a few years where I really didn't obsess about any of these things. I'll admit my ears still bothered me a little but overall, I was feeling pretty confident in my physical appearance. Crazy, how quick that can go away!

I know I need to fix this mentality and the way to start is to speak to myself positively. I am hoping by saying to myself every day that I have great hair and great legs (two things I do believe about myself) that it will help me to see other features in a more positive light. I never ever ever ever ever thought in a million years that I would feel this way about myself physically. Never. And it has pretty much crippled me. I have a hard time staying motivated to exercise and I used to LOVE exercising. I did it 6 times a week, sometimes for up to 5 hours in one day? What the heck happened?! It makes me feel sad. I have been wanting to go to Bikram Yoga on a regular basis because not only is it physically rewarding, but it's mentally and emotionally rewarding and I really need that. But holy cow, it is soooo expensive! Maybe I should go 3 times a week for a month and let that be my boost for getting back on track.

That sounds like a good idea.

And I rambled/went on a tangent and did not even discuss a 1/10 of what my therapist and I talked about. We didn't even talk about this. haha. but now I'm tired.