On a Journey to be Authentically Me!

This post is a very long time in the making. Almost 6 years to be honest. I don't quite know where to begin.

What I am going to say is going to sound like it came out of no-where, but I can assure you (though, I really don't need to) that I have "searched, pondered, and prayed" a lot about this. I have fasted and tried my best to live up to my covenants. I have served diligently in my callings and as a visiting teacher. I have kept the word of wisdom and attended the temple. All to feel peace. All in my quest for the truth.

I have tried to live in obedience and not question things I didn't understand, but secretly, in my heart, I felt such turmoil. I would testify to friends who were struggling about specific topics in the church. I would regurgitate what our leaders said, because that is what a "good mormon girl" does. I felt like a liar. I didn't like feeling like a liar. I wanted to know these things for myself. I wanted to say them with truth.

I have been asking to feel connected to the church. To know that it is true. To know that this was the only true church on the earth. To know that what work I did in the temple was true and good and to above all feel them without a shadow of a doubt. I have been asking for this for years and unfortunately, have felt nothing. emptiness.

Yes, there are all of these historical facts and even inconsistencies that don't sit right with me, but if the gospel was true. If I really felt that, I could over look them. After all, we've heard it say that the church is true, but that the people in imperfect. The second biggest problem I have is the double standard by which the church lives. One year they are saying this and 50 years they are saying that. Yes, I realize the church believes in modern revelation, but the statements made over the pulpit by some of our leaders were given as direct orders from God and they were not to be "changed or altered throughout the course of time." And then bam, 50 years, 100 years later, a new prophet comes a long and does away with something. So how am I to trust that the person who stands at the head our church is even qualified to speak to God and declare that what he says is a commandment from God? It just all doesn't sit right with me.

I refuse to go and read all of the really deep anti-mormon stuff. I don't want to hate this religion or it's people. I don't want to forget the good things it has taught me. But and this is a huge BUT...I can't deny what I feel or don't feel. I have been trying and doing so much and doing what I am supposed to and nothing. There are some absolute truths that have never forsaken me. That is that I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ and the atonement. I believe in doing good unto others and living a life that is in harmony with ourselves, God, and nature. And I believe in the family unit, but not in the way the church defines family.

I have realized that the more I tried to do "right" in the church, the more it felt wrong. I was surprised to find that quite a large chunk of  "once" members that have resigned their affiliation with the church, served in more demanding callings. Bishop or bishopric, Stake President, Primary President, Relief Society President, Elders Quorum President, etc.

I know that for most of you, your jaw has hit the floor. You're wondering what James thinks about all of this and where I plan to go from here. Some of you are probably wondering and feeling some of the things I have, but have just been too afraid to give it attention or voice. Some of you are probably praying for me and asking God how you can help me come back to the fold. You can deal with this news in whatever way you see fit. All I ask is that you leave me be. You leave me be to find out the truth for myself. If you want to have an honest discussion about it, that's great. But if it turns preachy, I'm stopping it. Since being a hardcore and devout member has not given me the answers I am seeking, I have decided to become inactive. I have not yet made the decision to remove my name from the church records because I am painfully aware of what this could potentially mean for my family. And because I am still searching for the truth.

James? Well he has been doing his best to love and support me. He of course was initially shocked and scared for what this could potentially  mean, but he just all around reacted better than I could've hoped for. We talk about it daily and we are just taking it one step at a time. Ultimately, he doesn't want me to be active in the church and feel like I am living a lie. He wants to me to be happy. And I can honestly say, I love him more now, then I ever have. And I truly believe this experience will bring us closer together, if we let it.

I have been thinking a lot about what led me to come back to Church when I was 15/16 years old and what was it that made me stay for so long. The answer? Love and acceptance. My upbringing was less than sup bar and when I walked through the doors, I was shown some of that love and acceptance I had been looking for. Though, I didn't find out until a few years later the gossip and judgement that circulated around about me that probably would've stopped me from going if those people didn't come to me and apologize to wipe their "conscious" clean. Now, I am referring to my teenager self. Not to my current, adult self.

 There were a few people that loved me and helped me "believe" in myself and I really needed that at the time. I continued to find people that loved, accepted, inspired, supported me, etc in the church, until I moved to Utah. Not to say I haven't found good people or life long friends, but most of those life long friends don't live here anymore, or they don't live close. The closeness I had with friends in California was a life force for me. I started going to therapy because I felt so lonely, lost and lacked self-love and confidence.

 My therapist (who is LDS) said that I needed to stop basing how I felt about myself on the relationships I did and didn't have. Little did she know, this would be a huge eye-opener for me and once I emotionally and mentally "let go" of that, I still felt incredible emptiness as far as the church is concerned. I have lacked the close relationships in my wards for 6 years (with a brief 6-12 months hiatus in there when I made amazing life long friends in a ward we were in while we lived in Provo). It hit me, that I am a member of this church for all of the wrong reasons.

 I know some of you think I need to step back and go back to the basics, but this need for love and acceptance, was a HUGE foundation for me and it has been cracking and crumbling for the past 6 years, Until, I finally took a hammer to it and smashed it all to smithereens! Turns out, I never really had a testimony of the restoration, the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith...I just stuck around because my need for love and acceptance was being fulfilled. I remember thinking, the church must be true if it produces such loving and accepting people, though recent years have made me think twice about that. I felt at home initially because I was not getting what everyone deserves to get at home. I know what you are probably doing now. You are feeling guilty and asking yourself what you could've done to help me feel loved and accepted still. Don't do that. Don't do that to yourself. I don't blame anyone.

This Sunday, I am going to ask to be released from my calling as both the second counselor in the Relief Society and as a visiting teacher and ask that I no longer get visit taught as well. I have stopped paying tithing, stopped wearing my garments and altogether, I am going to stop going to the LDS church. I am on a quest for truth. I took a quiz online about what belief system I should have and there were even questions on there that I didn't have an answer for. That's not good. To some, this may appear to be incredibly selfish, but I disagree. I deserve to know the truth. I deserve to have peace.

I know this is going to be a true test of friendship and love for some of you and that you will possibly distance yourself from me because you don't know how to handle it.  Some of you will hardly bat an eye. To the few that I have told about my thoughts and plans, I couldn't have asked for better friends. Having your love and support means the WORLD to me.

 I offer no apologies. I am done hiding and refuse to coddle relationships because I am afraid of being truthful because I am afraid I won't be loved. I want to be authentically me and I plan on doing JUST. THAT.